End of Summer

Christmas in September?
I had a great time tonight at the Fender Studio in Corona working with our recording engineer to mix our Christmas CD. It's going to be a beautiful product. Kelly, the engineer, gave me a rough copy of the CD to take home with me and as I was making the drive back to Temecula, I had chills all over and in the 90 degree weather, felt like it was Christmas.

How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying
Well it looks like I'll be in another show. Got the call today that I've been cast as Miss. Jones in this show. I've never seen it, so I'm not sure what that means... but I'm excited to hit that stage again!

Crossroads
I'm officially a school teacher! This week has been all orientation and planning. I don't start TEACHING until next week, but I'm excited. The people seem great and I just love the environment. It will be a challenge, but a good one I think!

My masterpiece.

I wish I was eloquent. I wish I had all the right words. The right answers. But I don't.

I'm sorry, I never will.

There once was a girl who was exposed to things a child should never see or go through. She was raised to love Jesus, and she did, though she didn't always understand the commitment of that statement. She went through school and learned more, started to understand. Everything the young girl went through was pushed in the back of her mind. It never happened. If anyone brought it up or reminded her of her past, she'd get sick to her stomach. Push it away. She didn't want to deal with it. She didn't want to believe that it happened, therefore she became in denial. Christ is King. He will never leave you, nor forsake you. Why can't those words be enough? They were. Well, they are. The girl continued to grow, she continued to figure out who she was. However, more than she realized it she was pushed through phases. She was that hypocritical judgmental girl. She thought it was all right. THEY are wrong. Then she went through more phases. Grew some more. Realized it's not always rainbows and butterflies. She walked far away. She experimented. She wanted to see what this world had to answer. It's so hard living in the middle. It's hard living in the extremes too. He was tapping on her shoulder. "What do you believe, little girl?" She was broken. Not knowing what to choose. They made her want to walk away from them. She didn't want to be like that. But she was. There's no escaping it. Now she stands, looking at a white wall. Wondering what the best color is to paint it. And if she chooses to paint the wall those colors, maybe even add an image in the middle of it, is she willing to face the skeptics? Is she willing to be completely content in the state of her masterpiece?

Blast from the past...

I'm thinking right now about the paths we choose in life.

Talking with an old BFF who I was practically inseperable with before College... we both went to different schools and slowly drifted though not in a negative way. We'd still go and support each other at shows and what not.

Well now she's in China and traveling the world on a tour with Disney.

Although I love what I do and I really feel blessed, you can't help but feeling lame compared to someone doing big things.

Which makes me think about our paths... I chose this path. I have a passion for teaching and although menial, I love it. She has a passion and confidence to take on the world.

Sometimes I wish I had done that.

Why did I chose the path I'm on? I guess I didn't chose it. We can do what we want, but I didn't even attempt that path.

Times like this I want to pack up and take on the world...say bring it on and just keep pushing until I hopefully land something.

Maybe some day.

Summer sounds.

Thank God it's Friday!!

I have thus far spent the morning talking on the phone to my BFF who just recently moved to Chico :(, went to Taco Bell for my favorite chicken quesadilla, and laid out by the pool reading Marie Claire with Sarah Jessica Parker on the cover (love her), and listening to Colbie Caillat on the good ole iPod.

I got to thinking... It's funny how certain music links us to events in the past. For me, Colbie Caillat was my summer 07 album that was always on repeat.

... I wonder what my Summer 08 sound will be?

Hmmm...

Putting your mind to it.

No, I haven't died... I am just a really horrible writer and the only thing I know how to do is a play by play of my day instead of some artsy wordage that makes you think..... Whatever, here I am.

So you graduate. and you are no longer shielded from the hard stuff. I work and I work and I work. I have a new boyfriend. His name is work. I love my job, I love the people that I work with, but this week I realized it isn't always going to be rainbows and butterflies. You see the good, the bad and the ugly. This week was just that. I am sure a part of it has to do with the fact that we've moved this week to a new location and we're all just exhausted. The other part is.... POLITICS. They come with the package in Theatre but boy are they ugly.

I do love being independent. I love making money. I love getting a fat paycheck and knowing once I pay off my bills, I can still do some shopping and get a pedicure. I probably won't always have these luxuries, especially when I get my own place. I will enjoy them for now.

When I put my mind to something I can achieve it.. I've realized that about myself recently.. However, why can't I overcome the post-graduation weight? Man alive. However, on a happier note I am going to be playing Mrs. Potts in Beauty & The Beast and after a year off from shows (had to focus on the Recital) I am more than ready to hit the stage!

God is blessing me. Even when I feel like I am void of some things in life, I have to realize what I DO have.

"Forgiven so that I can forgive"
That verse always hits me.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

My love has returned.

Currently sitting in my office listening to my "Potential Songs" playlist, which basically consists of songs I want to conquer in the very near future.

My love has returned for Theatre, TV, basically performance.... I am craving some stage or camera time a lot. My love wasn't gone, I just haven't had time to focus on "myself". The last few months have been too busy preparing for the Recital and busy at work... I'm excited for what this summer holds. I hope it's a huge role in a show! :D

This weekend was an awesome time with my friends. When all of us get together I realize how blessed I am, but also how much I have to savor these moments because we won't always be able to get together as frequently as we do once life moves us in different directions. I hate the future. It's a love/hate relationship really.

Senior Paper is due tomorrow and of course I haven't even started it. I will be in the Library for hours tonight. Blegh.

Nerves.

The day is here. The day I feared for the last 5 years... is here. I just need to enjoy it. Instead of fear it. Please God, guide me through it.

Time.

I'm at a point right now that I guess I should have seen coming. It's amazing what power stress has on people. It can change a loving, caring person to a hateful, hurtful monster. I've seen it in myself, but most recently I've seen it hit a little too close for comfort and I'm not sure I can handle it. How can sisters go from being best friends who tell each other everything, to enemies full of resentment and bitterness? I don't like it... I don't like it at all.

The new job is in full swing and I am loving the amount of time it is occupying. I sincerely mean that. I love being busy. I have a lot in store this week. Classes beginning for my job, Recital planning, Annie Get Your Gun auditions, and then... RECITAL.

I had an emotional break down tonight. The girl who used to not know how to cry is suddenly an emotional basket case. The funny thing is, I only cry when I'm talking to my sis.

I pray everything falls together nicely for my Recital and that I'll focus and quit forgetting stupid things like my voice lesson, and the music to practice with Twan and her mother. Honestly Brianna- where is your mind?

In all other news I'm making some great new friends and Easter is on Sunday!

Tears

Today I cried:
- When I was on the phone fighting with my sister... because I realize family should be the biggest support you have and if you don't have that, who do you have? It makes me feel lonely.
- For my brother
- While looking at a picture my mom gave me of me singing next to my Grandpa (sometimes I forget how much he meant to me. That fact alone makes me sad)
- Because my Recital is in 5 days and I don't feel as prepared as I could be
- Because life changes and it's scary and exciting
- Because my mother loves me.

I post all of this because crying for me is a rare occurrence. I guess when the flood gates need to be opened, you just have to let them pour out.

Now my eyes are tired and I will go to sleep praying that tomorrow is a better day and that someday, somehow... God will fix my family.

Inspired.

I have recently become motivated to better my piano skills.. perhaps this is because I am teaching students beginning piano and feel a bit inept or possibly because I am now realizing the importance of this instrument in the field I desire to teach for the rest of my life (voice)... anyway, I am now exploring my chordal knowledge and think if at least I can play the chords and fake it for now, I'll be better off than not doing anything at all.... so if you'd like to contribute to my chordal abilities, please apply.

In all other news, I have all but 1 of my vocal songs memorized for my Recital. This is getting exciting. Now it's just a matter of getting in line with my accompanist and getting a few instrumentalists together and I'm set. My rehearsal with the Choir for "Find Your Grail" went very well the other night.. I constantly found myself exclaiming "That's so pimp!".. which in English means "wow that sounds amazing!".. so yeah :) looking forward to the final project!

Last week I received a call offering me the position of "Education Director" for Christian Arts & Theatre so I happily accepted and am now looking forward to working full time and having some stability.. March can't come any sooner.. oh wait.. yes it can.. my Recital is at the end of March! Oh man!!!

Another funny story.... actually I don't feel like writing it all out. Let's just say the Nigerian Check Scam is very real and very freaky. I was almost a victim. Never deposit a cashier's check from anyone you don't know. And never offer your services online. End of story.

Happy Valentine's Day. Good night.

I was not meant to speak German.

That's been my anthem all day. I used to have a hard time memorizing French, but somehow that memory block has turned to German, and now I am frustrated with my inability to recall the words of 4 German songs I've sung over the last 4 years...

so what do I do instead of memorize? I scour my entire house. That's right. When I get stressed out or frustrated, I clean. My house is probably happy with me, but Betty won't be come Monday in my voice lesson.

To Do This week:
- Memorize Music
- Outline for Recital Paper
- Write "American Idol" script for my Acting class
- Prepare to teach 17 students (the numbers keep getting higher... yay!)
- Decorate my office (been meaning to do this one for a while)
- Look through "Annie Get Your Gun" music and get an estimate of what we need to buy
- Eat fruit.

........ I like country music and I'm not afraid to admit it :)

I'm singing in the rain....

Well not technically IN the rain.. but I have been singing.. and it is pouring outside.. and I LOVE IT!

Feeling very overwhelmed right now about this Recital, but at the same time feeling very inspired.

I have so much to get done. Music to memorize, Recital Hearing Date, Practice with musicians, Program, Paper, Advertising, Dress, Decorations, Reception... but I feel inspired to become more disciplined in life. For the last, I dunno, month and a half I have been on "Christmas Vacation" in my mind, and it's time I buckle down and get into work mode. This doesn't just mean musically, but also in health.

Life is good. Friends are great. God is always with me. I need to remember to be with Him.

Drama queen alert.

Blogging through exhaustion.. I don't know how smart that is, but I have a lot on my mind.

This has been a fantastic Christmas break, but starting tomorrow it will be officially over. Back to work I go- teaching kids how to act and teaching even more kids how to sing. It's a great job actually.

Lately I've been realizing the value of friendships. I desire friendships that are loyal and loving. I think sometimes things get so routine that we forget how to love people. Everyone. I am learning more and more everyday about how to love people.

Also, after 2 1/2 months I am facing the harsh reality that the boy has in fact moved on. I haven't. Why?? He has someone else and I ruined any possibility of anything. It's my fault and yet I can't get over being mad at myself. I used to say that I'd rather be mad at myself than someone else, but all my life I've taken the blame for so much, I am tired of carrying this weight. When will I learn to not repeat my mistakes? It's hard to forgive yourself.

In all other news... I had a fun night out with Lynzy & Danielle the other night.

I just crave some solidity in my life.

I need to refocus and prepare for my Senior Recital.


.... I hate feeling alone.